Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
