i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
