I hate your face
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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