Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
