Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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