can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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