i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
