Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize