my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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