were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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