I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
