the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
