Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
