nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
operation harelip BJ is a go
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
