dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
