I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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