We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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