someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone came in the potted fern
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
