GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
