last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Please don't give away my fajitas
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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