oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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