Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize