Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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