Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize