You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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