I got chris browned last night
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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