She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
