i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
