My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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