Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
