The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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