I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
