i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
