If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Randomize
