im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I need to align my fucking chakras
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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