Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
