when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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