Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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