I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
