so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
