be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
