It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize