so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
