respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My balls are so social today.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
