My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
