Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
it's like heaven, but drunker
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
