Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
