i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
