You're my little dorito
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
