Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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