Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
