Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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