I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
