Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
