That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
