All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
