i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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